In the 90s, the Poly and Pagan worlds were bubbling up to a more mainstream surface, after years coalescing on the shoulders of giants in both countercultures. Poly Pagan music was evovling as well, and in the Pacific Northwest, Gaia Consort was part of that. But long before we started Gaia Consort, the music was being formed from our personal experiences in polyamory, and friends and loves who were in groups like the Church of All Worlds, Reclaiming in Olympia, Our Lady of the Earth and Sky, the Aquarian Tabernacle Church, and others. I think the small splash we made in the small pond of Pagan music, happened because we spoke the language that we learned from friends and loves in these communities. I hope the reflections from our personal experience gives people some context for whatever we’re doing today.
Early Days
I’ve always gotten along best with the “honestly promiscuous.” If I belong to a “tribe,” we’re all easy, and happy about it. I suppose I should add “kind” to that list because, one can be honest and cruel, but it’s always made sense to me that sex is a joyful pastime, and a road to connection, pleasure, and a place where giving and receiving are combined. I suppose everyone has a kink. I’m just a boy who can’t say “no.” I mean I can, and have, but I don’t usually. I just find so many people interesting, and if there is mutual spark, I don’t run from it.
Like most of my friends, when I was a fresh adolescent, I was sexually precocious. (I mean, do the math, it takes at least two…) It was the 70s, and it may be hard to truly understand what it was like to two generations who came of age with sex as a possible death sentence, and didn’t even walk to school for fear of being kidnapped. It was a very different culture – we just did things at a younger age then. The sexual revolution was a part of the “youth revolution” – and Yaweh didn’t smite us for friendly play. I figured out original sin was bullshit at 12, and nothing has convinced me otherwise since.
Fast forward to adulthood, and several mostly monogamous, come-and-gone partnerships later, I spent some months after a pretty rough break-up finally starting to understand how I function best, and how to communicate it, and look for a partner who works the same way. What would make me a good partner then, and what would I need from a good partner? Then I met Sue, really at the absolute second I was ready. Like still wet behind the ears ready. I was in such a raw-honest state when I met her, that on our first “date” when it was clear from the conversations that we were sparking pretty hard, that I said “If you want to have kids, I don’t even want to fuck around.” For reasons that are private to Sue, (and I had yet to learn about in the moment) it was the perfect thing to say at the time.
Pagan and Poly dovetailing All Acts of Love and Pleasure
After a few years, we did some looking for like minded community, and we came across the just-hatching Emerald City Church of All Worlds nest. Given my background then, if I was going to participate in religion, “all acts of love and pleasure are Her rituals” made complete sense to me. The Earth and Sky are my cathedrals, making love is a kind of prayer. Long after we figured out the ritual stuff was not so much for us, we remain lifelong friends with several folks in the small group. Through the CAW nest, we connected with a local poly gathering that met weekly in a food court, and for awhile, found a community that felt pretty welcoming. And again, more folks we’ve been friends and sometimes lovers with for decades.
In the early 90s though, we had yet to determine the language – which may have been a blessing. We were testing ideas, making it up as we went along, and it’s all deeply personal and dynamic. Without so much “labeling” (In America, everything needs a nomenclature. “Compersion” anyone?) we couldn’t just file people into boxes and make assumptions – and I think that allowed us to experience each other without some unreal set of expectations.
We subscribed to “Loving More” when it was a black and white Xerox on blue paper. Before “The Ethical Slut” and “Love Without Limits,” there was Ryam Nearing’s “Polyfidelity Primer,” and before that, was Morning Glory Zell’s “A Bouquet of Lovers” (In Green Egg) Of course, the imagined world of Heinlein’s “Stranger in a Strange Land” and the line marriages in “The Moon is a Harsh Mistress.” Starhawk’s “Spiral Dance” were part of the mix, and fueled the worldview that we were carving out. And of course, “Love the One You’re With” and “Triad” were still on our turntables / cd players. We all like to think we’re inventing something new, but it’s really all been done before, by people who took far greater risks to have life on their terms. I wrote “Family” in 1993.
Trial and error and the Perils of Poly
So we had lovers, and touched on partnerships, and went through a lot of the same things that monogamous people go through when trying to find the right people with which to build a relationship / partnership / chosen family. We finally connected with the right couple and we’ve been in a committed fourple since 2005. We experienced both jealousy and compersion, (See, I used it context, do I get a gold star?) arguments and resolutions, a bunch of fun stuff, and a bunch of challenges that are better faced when you’re with people you love.
Along the way we learned that radical honesty (neither lies of omission or commission) is not only the best way, but really the only way. That a guideline that seems to quell the green monster is “It’s always ok to ask for reassurance.” The hardest part of radical honesty is being honest with yourself. It’s not always easy knowing what you want, or how you feel. But there is also great happiness when somewhere, the unexpected happens, and we realize that seeing the people we love, being happy with the other people we love, lights up a joy that is just like that joy that happens one on one, when just the sight of her in the doorway brings a calm euphoria that says “All is right with the world.” That might have been the biggest surprise. When the four of us are together, the world feels right.
If anything stuck with me from the days when we were more involved in the Pagan community, it’s the poly stuff. Along the way, I realized I’d been looking for “permission” from “somewhere.” (It is possible to escape from the Puritan past, but it’s tenacious) It was nice that paganism could do that. Eventually I understood on a kind of cellular level, that I didn’t need it from anyone but the people involved. We build our families together in ways that work for us, and after that, it’s nobody’s business but our own… (Hats off to Taj Mahal!)
The dream was to move to the country with a half a dozen lovers (or probably more… ) and it has the same joys and pitfalls of any utopian ideal. But we’ve been really lucky to have taken the emotional risks, and enjoyed extended family by mutual design.
It’s Not About Sex, But…. It’s About Sex
Over the years we talked to a lot of people, and wrote in lots of comments sections. It’s kind of amazing how personal some critics make it, as if us building our family is a criticism of their sex lives. Please believe me when I say, “It’s none of my business what you do.” I don’t care. If your dreams take you to the world of “one and only” and you’re happy with that, I celebrate your happiness. Our families existing side by side are not a mutually exclusive, zero sum game. My parents were married for 58 years, when my mother died, at least theoretically, monogamous. Our desires and life choices took us in different directions, but we love deeply. Isn’t it amazing and awesome that we get to love and be loved at all?
During some of the conversations people where having, there came this notion that it’s ”not about sex” – and just like in most long term relationships, sex is only part of the greater whole. The stuff we end up spending time and energy on has more to do with the complex logistics of balancing all our wants and needs. But if sex wasn’t part of the equation, we’d be talking about roommates, and almost no one would care.
Just like in the rest of the animal kingdom, pair bonding does not always mean sexual exclusivity. Sue and I just celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary. In March, it’ll be 19 years with the four of us.
New songs almost ready: “Ritzville” and “Hang Up Your Body” – keep checking all the usual outlets!
For more information about Christopher Bingham, including his collected articles here on Pagan Song, his bio, and links to his Bone Poets Orchestra and Gaia Consort sites on the web, check out Chris’s page on Pagan Song.
If you enjoyed this article, check out our collection of blog posts on “Love and Sexuality Magic”, here on Pagan Song.
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Very interesting article.