Sexual Styles for Magical Connections

I recently wrote a blog post on sexual communication and thought I would follow it with something else near and dear to my heart: sexual style. It is a deeper form of understanding yourself and your lover to know what kind of energy you are craving and how you best drop into sacred and ecstatic sexual states. As pagans, one way we deepen our connection to the God and the Goddess within ourselves and within our partners is through lovemaking. The chances of reaching the states of deep and spiritual bliss we seek are greater if we understand sexual style.

Much of your personal sexual style is based on your particular psychology, so understanding how that might be the same or different from your partner allows you to avoid misunderstandings and create the most fulfillment for one another. Many people are particularly drawn to one style, though you can play with all of them and create more variety if that appeals to you and your lover.

Three sexual “ways of being”

Basically there are three dominant sexual styles:

• partner connection (think romance, eye contact, and “lovemaking”),
• trance/erotic immersion (focused on one’s own body sensations and the altered states that generates)
• psychological play (which can include power dynamics, enacting fantasies and role play)

For each style there is potential to reach high ecstatic states and powerful magic together. But when, for example, one person is hoping for deep connection and the other is focused on their own trance state, there is also the possibility for disconnection and disappointment.

Better to understand what is exciting about each state and coordinate with your partner on how to play in that realm together than to blame each other for not doing it right! So let me go deeper into each style and how you might better understand it with particular songs that express these ideas nicely through their lyrics.

Partner Connection

Partner connection is probably the most explored style through film and music as it is the romantic love that is so heralded in our culture. For a pagan slant on pagan love and sensual connection I love singing Chalice to Blade which Alane Crowomyn wrote and we recorded together on the Crow Women’s first album, Crow Goddess. That’s Alane and I singing the duet at the beginning. A very sweet pagan love song!

As Goddess to God, so earth is to sky
Together we join as one you and I
For there is no power greater than love

As woman to man, so chalice to blade
Our love it is blessed and magic is made
For there is no power greater than love
    

Chalice to Blade by Alane Brown, recorded by the Crow Women on Crow Goddess

Suzanne Sterling also has a beautiful song called Sweeter than Honey. Sensual tantric rituals embody this style and are a very intentional way of dropping into the space of heart connection, resonance and deep appreciation. You might play this song to your beloved, or send or read it to them as a love poem.

You fill my cup, it’s flowing over
I am the dream and you are the dreamer
And how is it with this love?
There is no yesterday, there is no tomorrow
I am here for you right now

My love is sweeter than honey
and he/she takes delight in me
Can we love one another?
Can we trust one another?
Can we surrender, can we give ourselves to love?

from Sweeter Than Honey by Suzanne Sterling, on her album Bhakti

Using Tantra for partner connection

Here is an abbreviated Tantric ritual you can create together with a partner to explore partner connection.

• First, prepare yourselves for your time together through bathing and dressing attractively for one another.
• Come together and create an altar that has meaning for each of you and light candles or create some other form of mood lighting.
• Sit together in front of your altar and begin breathing together.
• Gently eye gaze and take in your lover with appreciation for the ways in which they are showing up.
• Move into touch and moving together either through a position called yab yum, or through dance or cuddling, possibly using the songs I listed to create the mood or others that you love (here is another lovely playlist you might like).
• You may want to express your appreciation and pleasure verbally throughout your time together if words create more feeling of connection or through nonverbal sounds if not. Just so you can stay connected to your partner and they know what you are enjoying.

And if you get stuck and aren’t liking something that is happening refer to my previous post on how to communicate that and turn it into something you do like. At the end of your time together express gratitude and share what was pleasurable and meaningful about the experience.

Erotic Immersion

Trance/erotic immersion is the next style which is often a bit misunderstood. Because it focuses on one’s own body sensations, it might feel disconnecting to someone who likes partner connection.

Knowing that it is creating amazing transcendent experiences for your partner can help you get into this style, and being good at helping your partner get to those states can be quite gratifying. In the end it still has the possibility to generate deep feelings of love to be pleasured so generously and intensely.

Religious celebrations such as the Bacchanalia, sung about by Inkubus Sukkubus, understood about generating these states which were further facilitated with wine or other substances though they don’t need to be. Drinking too much can actually make it harder for some to reach orgasm and high states of arousal so keep that in mind. It is helpful to talk about what creates these states for each of you ahead of time if it doesn’t come natural to both of you.

Dancing can be a way to learn to get more into your body sensations and out of your head if you are having a hard time getting into a trance state. Of course, dance is a key element of our lives as pagans, from dancing with a lover, to ritual choreography, to the wild ride of the fire circle, as Marilyn explored in this post. The song Wild Soul by Cernunnos Rising does a compelling job of capturing the way dance unleashes freedom. And, this is an awesome fire spinning video. (We have a post about that, too!)

You may also want to explore toys such as vibrators or dildos for creating more intense sensations. The sexual experience may look like taking long turns pleasuring each other to generate these states or figuring out how to create them together simultaneously. Just don’t be surprised if your partners eyes are closed with their head thrown back taking in all that you have to give.

Psychological Play

Psychological play is the last style and one that most people associate with fetishes or kink. It can certainly look like power exchange, dressing up in costumes for a little fantasy exploration, or any other dynamic that feels hot and a little out of your normal day to day life (or act out your day with a sexual twist!).

You may know exactly what gets you hot in this realm or you may need time to discover it. Look at what sexual fantasies or erotica or porn you like for hints, and you may want to watch/explore/share some of these things together with your partner to better scheme how to create a fun adventure.

As a pagan, you may also want to bring in ritual enactments such as Myrddyn seducing the maiden in Spring Strathspey for your intimate celebration of the coming of Spring or the union of the God and Goddess in the sacred rite. Here are a couple of other fun songs to inspire you: The Goat and The Not So Divine Crisis.

Sexual Styles in Sex Magic

Understanding the various sexual styles will make you a well versed and compassionate lover and help you find a way to connect with people who may have different styles from yours. It will also help you understand yourself and what you long for to reach the highest states of bliss and how to. You can also communicate more clearly about what you desire. It might give you many more tools (and toys!) in your tool box to create fun sexual play.

Having this vocabulary to use with your partner when planning sex magic is very useful. If you’re not familiar with sex magic, here’s a good introductory article.

Imagine these possible ritual goals. For each, think about which style would best fit–partner connection, erotic immersion, or psychological play?

1. You want to gather powerful energy through lovemaking to channel toward a goal, such as finding a job
2. You seek to deepen your connection to a deity you are dedicated to by making love as/with/to that deity.
3. You want to use sex magic to increase self-love and happiness in life
4. The intent of your sex magic is to grow closer as a loving couple.
5. You’re marshaling the energy of sex magic to activate a magical tool, such as a new chalice
6. Your sex magic is a private celebration of Beltane, a direct experience of the union of the Lord and Lady

I would suggest leaning into:

• partner connection for 3 and 4
• erotic immersion for 1 and 5
• psychological play for 2 and 6

Were your answers different? Leave a comment and let us know!

So, you can see that having an awareness of sexual styles can not only enhance your lovemaking, it can also give you ways to think about sensuality in your magical practice. Who knows, maybe talking about and trying out different sexual styles within your magical practice will help you grow as a beautiful, sensual being living a beautiful, sensual life.

Ain’t it great to be a witch?

For related articles, visit our Book of Shadows on www.pagansong.com

cover photo of heart lights in the sand by Fadi Xd 

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