Listening to Gaia Consort singing joyfully about sex as a positive act in The Rede, “An it harm none do what you will”, it occurs to me that this is sometimes easier said than done. In a sex negative culture with little EXPERT training in the ways of healthy seduction and versatile lovemaking how does one become a sex positive pagan that harms none?
I think it starts with an attitude of harm reduction, which means reducing the shame we and others have around sex and our desires. After all, longing for pleasure and connection are a way of filling basic human needs, and having compassion for ourselves and others while striving to meet those needs even as we/they fumble goes a long way towards sex positivity.
The song Where Love Is by Michelle Mays beautifully expresses this in her lyrics about the practice of compassion being the path to finding love all around us. We may each have different strategies for achieving connection and pleasure (think of all the different pick up strategies and sexual proclivities that people have), and some may be more compatible and successful than others. But the beautiful basic needs underneath the strategies are what we can relate to when we find ourselves otherwise incompatible with someone, and in that way can still find a way to positively connect to their spirit, if not their body, and thus “harm none”.
This is the first step in being sex positive. There are so many others that I have made a list. I hope you find this helpful in you journey to becoming a sex positive pagan!
Some suggestions for how you can be Sex Positive
- Believe that sex can be the pathway to pleasure, fulfillment, connection and health.
- Make it fun and playful!
- Normalize desire, interests, activities, kinks, fetishes as long as they are consensual. That doesn’t mean you have to do all the things that interest others, learn what you like and live and let live.
- Be compassionate about fears, hang ups and trauma that might be inhibiting yourself or others.
- Be body positive and focus on things that you like about a person instead of their flaws.
- Help people find ways around real challenges like birth control, sexual health, disabilities and dysfunctions
- Recognize that a lot of sexual activities can be safe and enjoyable with the proper hygiene.
- Give positive feedback when sex is pleasurable and if a redirect is needed be encouraging rather than shaming. For more information on communication check out one of my other blog posts: Pagan Sexual Communication in Song!
- Be open to feedback and learning what is pleasurable to your partner.
- Be willing to make adjustments to your technique and recognize there might be a learning curve. Leave your ego at the door.
- Play show and tell. Take turns receiving and giving feedback so your partner can learn what feels good to you. If neither of you has enough experience to know what is going to be pleasurable than experiment until you find something that works.
- Hold goals gently and flow with the reality of the moment.
- Understand that physical pleasure can be generated in lots of ways beyond intercourse and that intercourse may not even be the best or most pleasurable way to reach orgasm for some (or even many).
- Try using various types of touch (kneading, feather touch, patting, spanking) to create pleasurable sensations in the body. For all kinds of touch get feedback and make sure there is consent.
- For BDSM play, have a safe word and stop and check in when it’s used.
- Don’t assume someone is into what you are. Always check in and test the waters, especially before being aggressive or rough. Get consent!
- Learn about the different sexual styles so that you can understand your partner better and yourself. For more information on sexual styles check out another of my previous blog posts: Sexual Styles for Magical Connections.
As you can see, there are many ways that you can be sex positive. Integrating these ideas into your life can help you shift the negative messages that society imposes on all of us and will bring you closer to the living a pagan life that honors sex as a sacred rite to bring us closer to the God and Goddess. As Shawna Carol sings in Sacred Pleasure, “I am the Goddess, I am the Mother, all acts of love and pleasure are my ritual”.
Cover photo of lit-up heart by DESIGNECOLOGIST on Unsplash
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