Handparting: A Pagan Separation Ritual

Partings. In the course of our lives, we sometimes find it necessary to deal with the dissolution of a relationship; whether formal or informal, family or lover, long lasting or brief. In the Pagan world we create ceremony and ritual for these major life changes, and we recognize the need to include the deep spirituality that comes of the Goddess when we make such a break. A pagan marriage is called a handfasting, whereas a pagan separation ritual is called a handparting or wayparting.

While we may realize that it is time to cut the connection, it is never easy, and seldom without sadness and often some measure of conflict. Rarely do both (or all) parties feel  exactly the same about ending the relationship. One person is often hurt, sometimes taken by surprise and resistant to the change in status.

The Crow Women create songs of joining and parting

There are songs aplenty about joining, falling in love and commitment ceremonies. For a great example,  listen to the Crow Women song, Join Together by Crow Woman Deb Nielsen on our album, Seasons. The chorus states; “Dance with us in the circle tonight! Join in the healing we create in this rite. When we’re together we connect to the light as we rejoice in the pleasure of love.”

There are fewer Pagan songs acknowledging endings of relationships. However, the Crow Women have such a song…of course.  In The Handparting Song, written by CrowSister Alane Brown, we find the opportunity to reflect back upon the time together, to be thankful for the sharing and the lessons learned, and to acknowledge the necessity to leave it all behind.

Magic brought us to each other
Magic bound us in our hearts
From that magic I release you
Goddess bless, merry part

Chorus:
Merry part, go in beauty
Merry part, go in peace
Merry part, with compassion
From our vows we release

The threads of our life stories
We braided at the start
We now unbind that magic
Goddess bless, merry part
(chorus)

I honor all our memories
The lessons they impart
I wish you well, good journeys
Goddess bless, merry part
(chorus)
Blessed Be

music & lyrics © Alane Susan Brown (ASCAP) 2009

Another Pagan Song of Separation

Pagan singer-songwriter Celia Farran describes her recent album Karma as her “break up album”. The song Ritual is about using magic to liberate herself through a wayparting ritual. The album journeys through many moods, and is highly recommended for those going through a parting. You can find all of Celia’s music at celiaonline.bandcamp.com.

Well I waited for my heart and my intention to align.
And I gathered all my tools and I slipped into the night.
And I went priestess on you, Baby, because your push became a shove.
I went priestess on your crazies and I did it all with love.

Chorus 2:
You are gone from me ‘cause I shut the portal.
I burned a candle and cut the chords.
And I buried your lies ‘neath the old oak tree.
I did a ritual and now I’m free. I’m Free.                                           

“Ritual”, Lyrics and Music By Celia Farran, © 2018 Red Granite Goddess Publishing / ASCAP

Handparting, A Rite of Passage

Alane comments, “Handparting is just as much a rite of passage as handfasting. All the magic that went into the handfasting needs to be released and if the people can do that together, then the unbinding is that much more clean.” As for any important transition time, the life of a Pagan practitioner needs to honor these moments of change and growth.

In my life, I am mid-divorce. While my soon-to-be ex-husband is a good man and surely didn’t deserve the hurt and chaos I created in his life, it was necessary for my own spirit and soul to remove myself from this 32 year marriage. Yes, the process has been painful and difficult, but he is adapting and adjusting in a very evolved manner, and I am experiencing the freedom that I crave. My story includes moving to a new location and finding a new love! I hope to engage my former husband in a ritual of parting, but even if he does not wish to participate, I can conduct my own ceremony with the help of the Goddess.

Thinking about creating a ritual?

Have you had an occasion in which a separation of any sort was acknowledged in a ritual? Or perhaps, you wish that there had been a ritual associated with your experience.  Whether the person(s) with whom you are separating are included or not, a ritual can be performed, even some time after the event. In fact, to achieve closure, it is often necessary to fulfill the need for ceremony. Please consider including our Handparting song in your own rite.

Another Crow Woman has shared her experience creating a parting ceremony. Here are her comments: “We designed a simple ceremony for just the two of us. We met in a spot under an apple tree with happy memories, and cast a circle there. We each said a few things we appreciated about the other person or the relationship. Then we unbound the broom we jumped over at our handfasting. We finished with the Handparting Song lyrics. I think it was really healthy for us to do an unbinding ceremony. I understand that a lot of couples won’t ever get to a place to be able to do that, but I’m grateful we could.”

Loving ceremony of separation

Certainly parting ceremonies are not just about the ending of a romantic relationship. Many years ago, the Crow Women conducted a wayparting ritual for one of our sisters who felt the need to move on and explore other spiritual paths. We gathered in sacred space, and all together, with many gestures of affection and support, we released her from our circle. We wove a web of yarn that connected us all, and ceremonially cut it, each retaining a section for the memories. To this day, we remain close with this woman and communicate often and with genuine affection.

Ceremony in response to rejection

So different from another situation within our circle! For instance, we had invited a woman–let’s call her Sara–who seemed eager to become one of us! She was included in retreats and rituals, social time and sisterhood gatherings as we prepared for her initiation and inclusion. Imagine our shock and dismay when, during a time together, she abruptly announced that she did not want to be a Crow Woman any more, and was announcing her exit.

Because we felt betrayed and dismissed after opening our circle to her, we needed some time for healing our spiritual wounds. Therefore, we gathered in a celebration of our closeness and strong sisterhood, and developed our own ceremony as we went around the room, each speaking her sorrow and also supporting our strength as a coven. That ritual did not include the separated member, and even so, was exceptionally moving and healing ritual of wayparting.

Finally, your Feedback

We invite you, dear reader, to share your thoughts and experiences with partings in comments about this blog. We all learn from each other, and our compassion deepens as we recognize the hard work others have manifested in the meaningful separations in their lives. We ask the understanding of the Goddess to accompany us all as we come to terms with the leavings and waypartings of our lives. Blessed Be.

Header photo of torn paper heart by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash