The First Harvest

As we sit at the table of our first bountiful harvest of the year, what do you see laid before you?

This is a question I have asked myself too many times to count over the last week. The same answer rang back in my face over and over, “keep going, you’re almost there”. I was left to mull over the meaning of what “There” actually looks like for me. I’m still working on that one.

What I do know is that shortly after Imbolc I made a pledge to myself I would become better. Not “better” in a way that says I’m not good enough, but better in a way of becoming my full self. Reaching further into the potential of who I am. All of this simply a fancy way to say I had become lazy. Lazy in my relationships, lazy in my self care, lazy in my craft and too comfortable in a skin that was becoming quickly too small. I was not unhappy, I was simply stagnant in a settling that came from laziness.

And so my work began, and the agreement was to carry through to Lammas and then celebrate my returns. I have sat tightly with my demons through breakfast, dinner and supper these last months. I held their hands and wiped their tears. I looked hard into a mirror, every morning. I sat in the dark and said hello, and sat in the light to say goodbye. I forced myself to begin the process of what I now know will be my last great emerging. The full step into the last great adventure of this most amazing vacation back to the mortal plane. I feel the wings waiting to be stretched free into their final silver splendor, to carry me fully into my final iteration. And my friends, it is liberating. This true and beautiful finding of yourself. I wish I had done it much earlier and would recommend you start right away if you haven’t already! I will admit I faced a few “ trial by fire” incidents. I experienced a few deaths this year that were very hard but transformative events. I was first struck with feeling they both left more questions than answers.

But slowly, I felt myself give way to the idea that I didn’t need or require these answers anymore. I realized I had two more trunks I could remove from the attic of my heart, and create room for new things. I have worked extremely closely with my mother over the past several months and it has been a journey that has been one of the most rewarding I have ever taken. I have chosen to simply set things down. I have slowly released myself from all the non-negotiable contracts that held me down for so long.

I have fallen flat on my face more than once. I have looked in the mirror at a reflection I didn’t want to see. I have thrown blame, I have made judgements. I have done almost every single one of the things I am working so hard to change. But! I have also strengthened some relationships, stepped deeper into some of my creative processes, and reached further into community building. My life is more full and my heart more at peace than it has ever been.

So as I sit at this table of plenty, with bones of broken pieces laying about, I am overcome. I will continue my work. If you’d like, you can join me. I want to leave you with my newest song, one of the greatest achievements of this first harvest for me.

Today I wrote a letter, I should have written long ago.
I sat down with the paper, and I let my tears just flow.
It was all right there in front of me, all so plain in black and white.
So I let the monsters run free, then I told them all goodbye

Because I know hearts aren’t meant for cages.
These bars they weigh us down
My life has come and gone in phases, but love should still be found
All my anger, it’s not kept them out, I’ve only keep my nightmares in.
I’m tearing down those walls, gonna learn to live again.

I went riding down some backroads, with all my childhood memories.
I stopped at every crossroad and set another demon free.
I told that little girl there, I saw hiding in my eyes.
You got to let the past go, it’s time to say goodbye

And I hope you can forgive me, but I must forgive myself.
I’ve got to set this pain free, stop dying this slow death.
I’m going to use my words more kindly, because you should not own my hurt.
I am more than the things that made me. I’m finally learning my own worth.

And I know hearts aren’t meant for cages,
Theses bars they’ve weighed me down
My life has come and gone in phases but love should still be found
And all this anger it’s not kept them out, I’ve only kept my nightmares in.
I’m tearing down these walls, I’m going to learn to live again.

And I know hearts aren’t meant for cages,
Don’t let those bars weigh you down
Our lives come and go in phases but love should still be found
And all your anger it’s not kept them out, you’ve only kept your nightmares in.
Let’s tear down these walls, and learn to live again.
Start tearing down those walls, you’ve got to learn to love again.

“Cages” by Krista Chapman Green

May comfort and kindness be yours as we move through these harvest seasons.

For more information about Krista Chapman Green, including her collected articles here on Pagan Song, her bio, and links to Krista’s sites on the web, check out Krista’s page on Pagan Song.

We have many more articles that mention the Lammas / Lughnassadh season

cover photo of cage with open lock Photo by Hennie Stander on Unsplash

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