In this series on the evolution of groups over time, we’ve been examining the features common at the beginning of a group. This first stage is called the forming stage and has very predictable dynamics. When a pagan circle (or class or performance group) first forms, several dynamics are apparent. In Part 1 we looked at the need to get to know others and in Part 2 we explored the tendency to idolize group leaders. In this final article about the forming stage we’ll look at the issue of anxiety in new groups.
Feeling and concealing anxiety
In is perfectly normal for people in newly formed groups to experience a certain amount of anxiety and uncertainty. Because we all have honed our social skills over time, we’re quite good at keeping these feelings under wraps. This results in the curious phenomenon psychologists call ‘pluralistic ignorance’. Everyone (the plural part) shows an outer mask of calm, while concealing inner feelings of insecurity. Looking around, the new members see calm in others and assume it’s genuine for other members, even though it is not for themselves. They also don’t realize how convincing their own act is. Each person is ignorant of the fact that inside, everyone (including themself) has more anxiety that is apparent on the surface.
This leaves people with the double whammy of feeling the normal nervousness of a new situation (will they like me? is this a safe group?) and the isolation of thinking they are the only person feeling some insecurity. You can help by bringing this right out into the open, by talking about the discomfort. And, of course by choosing activities that help members feel more secure.
And if you, yourself are feeling nervous in a new situation? My best strategy when this happens to me is to pick out someone else and help them feel more comfortable. Taking the focus off of yourself will quickly make you feel better and giving some support helps the other person, too.
Playing nice–for now
In newly formed groups, many people will play by cautious rules like “be nice”, and “don’t call attention to yourself” and “fit in”. For example, a covener may not want to be obligated to bring a pot luck dish to every ritual, but may not speak up because of wanting to present herself as a nice, cooperative person. Because of these tendencies, as well as the propensity to look more secure than we really feel, it’s very important to keep in mind that the way people behave in a new group many be very different from the way they will behave when they settle in and become comfortable. As a facilitator, you shouldn’t make a judgment about a group based on its atmosphere during early meetings. New groups act like new groups. The polite phase will pass in its own time.
The best group ever!
When people come together to form a group such as a new pagan circle, they are there for a reason. They hope the group will satisfy their spiritual and personal needs. Given the difficulty many people have even locating the pagan community, entry may be associated with idealistic expectations. It can be a bit like the beginning of a romance. Everyone is on their best behavior, everyone is trying to be lovable, and so it is easy to fall in love. This initial sparkle, just as in romantic relationships, will inevitably lead to a certain amount of disillusionment when members discover that the circle and its members are quite imperfect. But in the flush of first love, the newly formed group may view itself with a rosy glow. This energy helps the group move through this initial stage and can help propel its development.
In future installments, we’ll consider successive stages that groups pass through: storming, norming, performing and adjourning. As a leader, or just a member who wants the group to succeed, your awareness of the group’s stage, and your ability to address the needs of that stage, can really help the group to develop in a healthy way.
New Members must pass through their own “forming” stage
What happens when new members enter a group that has moved past the forming stage? New individual members will tend to pull the group back into revisiting earlier stages. If a large number of new members arrive at the same time in proportion to the size of the group, the whole group may regress to an earlier stage. In other cases, there may just be renewed concern for themes that are typical of the forming stage. This can actually be healthy for a group, encouraging it to go back and process some of those issues again. A new member is going to need to know about other circle members, to hear their stories. Take the time to honor this process—you never know what you might learn about people you think you know well.
New members in an old group always feel a bit on the outside. They are. It takes time to feel connected. Co-planning rituals and activities with established members will move along the process more quickly. More established members can forget how uncertain they felt when the group was new to them. With added empathy, these old-timers can make a point to help a newcomer feel included and at ease. New members need allies in a group. In the Crow Women circle, we formalize this by assigning a mentor to each new member, whose responsibility is to make sure she understands the rules (formal and informal) and feels comfortable with the group. For more on our customs in integrating new members, check out Marilyn’s excellent article on the Crow Women’s initiation process.
You can incorporate this song of acceptance in your efforts to integrate a new member:
Finally, just as you would not want to assume that the group behavior of a new group is necessarily an indicator of the personality of that group once it matures, it’s important to realize that what you see in a new member is not necessarily what you will get. People will tend, over time, to become more rude, independent, relaxed and genuine. They become less self-absorbed, watchful and superficial.
Whether it’s a one new member, or a brand-new group that is meeting for the first time, you can help people get off to a great start by finding ways to meet the needs common in the forming stage. People need to get to know others, to bond with the group, to trust the leaders without becoming overly dependent, and they need support in getting past the initial uncertainty of entering a new group.
It’s time to leave the forming stage behind and begin our examination of the storming stage, in the next post in this series.
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