This article will focus on issues of dependency in a new pagan circle. In a previous post, I wrote about the qualities of new groups. Pagan circles, covens and study groups function in the same way as any other group, and will tend to develop over time in a predictable way. In my last installment, I discussed the issues of safety common in groups in the Forming Stage, and how important it is to create opportunities for people to get acquainted and learn basic information about one another. A central question people have in a new group is “Who are you?”. Although Wiccan groups may have to respect confidentiality, for a group to grow, the members need to have a sense of who the other players are before they can relax and bond with them. Exchanging information, having fun, and working together are strategies that can give members a chance to get a clearer idea of who other members are.
Leader as security blanket
Another very common dynamic in a new group is dependency. The forming stage is like the childhood of the group. The new members will often idolize the leaders of the group, admiring them just as younger children look up to their parents. This is especially true if there is a formal leader with greater experience than most of the members and who has a legitimate role as the leader. This might be because the leader is the teacher of the study group or a priest/ess who has founded the group. The new members may have a need to see the leader as someone who will teach them things they are eager to learn and to guide them in their spiritual development.
Even if there isn’t a formalized leader, there may be members with more social dominance, experience or motivation, who take on (or have thrust upon them) the leadership role. Dependency behavior is likely to be directed toward these emergent leaders.
Diagnosing dependency behavior
What does dependency look like? It’s when the group needs to act and eyes turn to the leader for a decision. Even if the leader truly wants the group to be democratic, members of newly formed groups may remain passive. The leader may ask everyone to take equal responsibility for the work of the group, and be frustrated that members wait to be told what to do. In this situation, it can be helpful to remember that this is just a manifestation of forming stage behavior. In a way, the new members need to be a bit childlike. They want the approval of the parent-leader and this is one reason they may be cautious about their behavior. Being accepted in the ‘family’ is important–no one wants to ‘get in trouble’. Members want to know how to ‘do it right’ and may be disbelieving when told there isn’t just one ‘right way’.
Share responsibility
If you want to help a pagan circle in this stage, just use good parenting to help the group mature. Give lots of approval to a member who calls a quarter or takes charge of cleanup after a meeting. Just as you would with a child, support the growth of independence by giving lots of opportunities for members to take responsibility. And simply choose not to do everything, making space for members to take on leadership roles. If some things don’t get done, that’s a sign of your good leadership, because you are leaving space open for others to act. You’re showing that you won’t take care of everything, and that all members are going to need to contribute. Respond to independent actions with plenty of praise and support. To avoid the ‘guru trap’, display your ‘feet of clay’. Make a point to show that you are still learning, too and be open about your mistakes. Actively undermine the perception that you know everything.
If a group has no formal leader, perceptive members can support the group in growing past dependency. When setting up a ritual, make sure everyone has a job and show appreciation for contributions. In the forming stage, one of the key issues is membership. The group is defining its boundary: who is ‘in’ and who is ‘out’. When members take on roles, they begin to see themselves as ‘in’.
Include songs that celebrate equality
In the Crow Women, we use music as a tool. One of our all-time favorite songs is We Are Sisters. This song sets everyone on the same footing–as sisters. Not as big sister and little sisters, but as equal sisters journeying together. During the beginning of a group’s development, include songs in your rituals that use “we” language.
Self-examination
What happens if leadership is seduced by the pleasures of being the guru? The people most ready to grow as priests and priestesses may look for another group. When the group enters stage 2 of development (when issues of power come to the surface), conflicts may be less constructive. (More on this storming stage in a future post.) Often a leader who does everything will eventually hit burnout.
Empowering members is an investment in the group
Those of us who gravitate to leadership roles are well advised to keep issues of dependency in the forefront of our awareness when in a newly forming group. In the long run, a group will be more sustainable if the sense of membership and responsibility is widely distributed. The magic will be deeper if it draws on the power of every member. Begin as you mean to go on. Neopaganism is about empowerment, and if we empower one another from the beginning, we’ll be rewarded with a healthy group.
In the next post in this series, we’ll wrap up our discussion of the Forming Stage, the first of the five stages of group development. We’ll also consider what happens when a new member enters a group that has already passed beyond the forming stage
Header photo of duck and ducklings by Rosa Virginia on Unsplash
For more information about the Crow Women pagan choir, and access to all the blog posts by Alane and the other 9 crowsingers who have written for Pagan Song, you can visit the Crow Women author page here on Pagan Song.
Please subscribe to the Pagan Song blog, to receive our blog post each week. Don’t miss any of the musical magic!
Visit our homepage to see the full list of the musicians who write for the Pagan Song blog.
Pagan Song has a fan club on Patreon. Join for as little as $3 a month for exclusive features! Click for info.