By Roki the Crow Rabbit
I like the Crow Women. They come over to my house and sing to me and tell me how cute I am. They never bring banana, but no one’s perfect.
So, it’s with love and respect that I must tell you that they are full of pellets.
I understand that they are part of this witchy deal that honors these things called “elements.” Crow Women seem to like them, they write songs about elements, rituals about elements, they even dedicate themselves to a different one each year and then reward themselves with a little piece of metal to put on a necklace. And really, I ask you:
What’s a necklace?
Anyway, I appreciate their respect of nature. But as creature of nature, I must say, they’ve got it a bit wonky.
Just take for example, these four “elements” they’ve selected. Like air. Tell me, have you ever seen air? Have you touched it? It doesn’t exist, much like the Easter Bunny (sorry to tell you) or thumbs.
Water at least exists, but what’s so cool about it? Though rabbits who live with humans need access to fresh water, wild rabbits’ diets don’t include water. We don’t need it to wash (that’s what tongues are for) and boat travel is kind of beyond us. It just gets our fur wet and potentially muddy. Yuck.
Then you have fire. Not even sure what that is.
I will give you earth, though. Earth is fun to dig in and can make a really good home if you’re people don’t make you a super cool indoor condo.
You humans are nice, but you need to get your priorities straight. If you really need to dedicate yourself to something that isn’t a rabbit deity, I offer you these other options for your elemental devotions:
Hay—The jack-of-all-trades of elements. You can eat it, sleep in it, poop in it, roll around in it for no apparent reason whatsoever. Hay is like Hekate, a goddess for everyone and everything.
Cardboard—Another versatile element, which provides shelter, entertainment and some good chewing. And its opportunity for reuse and recycling is practically limitless. Just don’t leave tiny bits of it strewn around the house. Mom doesn’t like it; it clogs the Vack Yoom monster.
Cute—Don’t tell me cuteness isn’t a thing. You believe in air.
Banana—Banana is the gold of the bunny elemental table. All other elements pale before it. Long live banana!
Can I have some? I’m really cute.
I absolutely want to call quarters at our next ritual by calling in hay, cardboard, cute and banana. Roki, do they have directional associations? Is hay in the east?
I have consulted with the Rabbit Priestess, and she says the directions are as follows:
Hay is in the Cage.
Cardboard is in the Living Room.
Banana is in the Kitchen.
Cute is in the Bunny.
I fear she has never seen a compass.